- The trouble with girls is they’re a mystery / Something about ’em puzzles me
— “The Trouble With Girls,” Scotty McCreery
Scotty McCreery’s lyrics for this song are the most basic, generic, Hallmark-card-you-throw-out-immediately junk you can ever imagine. You can almost hear the 9th grade English teacher’s feedback. “Girls are mysterious… can you elaborate on what you mean by that?”
McCreery does, by saying:
And they smile, that smile / And they bat those eyes/ They steal you with, “hello”
Wow. These groundbreaking observations managed to win him American Idol. Are you sure we need an Idol reboot, ABC?
9. Your butt is mine / gonna take you, right?
–“Bad,” Michael Jackson
“Bad” was supposed to be a duet between Michael Jackson and Prince, until Prince said no way. Why? “The first line is ‘your butt is mine’,” Prince noted. He could’ve stopped right there, instead he completed the thought: “one of us is going to have to sing that to the other.”
- Some people call me the space cowboy yeah / Some call me the gangster of love / Some people call me Maurice / ‘Cause I speak of the pompitous of love
–“The Joker,” Steve Miller Band
“The Joker” is one of those songs that makes you want to stick a knife in your eye. This is why.
- What’s got you so jumpy? / Why can’t you sit still, yeah?
–“Unskinny Bop,” Hansen
Hansen’s fame should’ve died with “mmmbop.” Instead, they attempted to mine an incredible second hit from the word “bop.” The new, more mature brothers trio followed the opening lines with this ill-advised “we’re all grown up” metaphor:
Like gasoline you want to pump me / And leave me when you get your fill, yeah
- (S)-E-X is test when I’m pressed / So back up off with less of that zest
–“I Don’t Want It,” DC Talk
It’s actually possible to write a sexy song about not having sex. “We don’t have to take our clothes off,” said Jermaine Stewart in 1986, before introducing us to the seductive concept of ‘cherry wine’ (raise your hand if you didn’t get that line until just now…) Janet Jackson sang “let’s wait awhile…” and that worked pretty well. But fundamentalist Christian rappers DC Talk are so desperate to making having sex UNCOOL that they came up with this absolute zinger of of nonsense. Sex is a “test when I’m pressed”? Back up off of that zest? Its Rhyming Desperation, 101.
- Whatcha gonna do with all that junk / All that junk inside your trunk
–“My Humps,” Black Eyed Peas
Everything about this hit song is ridiculous, just like everything about hit band the Black Eyed Peas is ridiculous.
- Come inside take off your coat I’ll make you feel at home / Now let’s pour a glass of wine cause now we’re all alone–
–“I’ll Make Love to You,” Color Me Badd
Just in case you didn’t knoww, this song was so badd it inspired the parody hit “Dick in a Box.” It’s hard to tell from these opening lines whether we’re witnessing a seduction or a date rape.
- Yeah / Uh-huh / So seductive
–Candy Shop, 50 Cent
50 Cent also fails the seduction test by opening up a song with the words, Yeah… uh-huh.. And then labeling that exchange “so seductive.”
- I heard you had to drive him home after two umbrella drinks
–“Bait a Hook,” Justin Moore
“Men who don’t fish are girly men!” seems to be the theme of this Justin Moore hit. I guess he’s feeling a bit defensive, since the next lines are
I heard he’s got a Prius, ’cause he’s into bein’ green / My buddies said he saw y’all, eatin’ that sushi stuff / Baby that don’t sound like you
…he twangs, inviting you to Sweet Home Alabama yourself back to your childhood sweetheart, who wants to entice you with defensive lyrics such as
He can’t even bait a hook / He can’t even skin a buck / He don’t know who Jack Daniels is / He ain’t ever drove a truck
Hard pass. We’ll stick with McDreamy.
- When you see a deer you see Bambi / And I see antlers up on the wall
–“I’m Still a Guy,” Brad Paisley