How to Attack Animals Using Children in 6 Easy Steps (Part 2)

We already brought you the first three steps for how to attack animals using children, and now we’re here with the final three. Let’s go through a quick recap. Before you can practice any of the steps in this article, you must do the following: equip your children, train your children, and shush your children. Now, let’s move on.

Number Three: Bait the Animals. Though you may have shushed your animals – er, children – so they can sneak up on the animals, you’re going to have to make sure said animals stay in the same place, ideally one that is optimal for attack. To bait the animals, you will need to sacrifice one of your children. Choose the one you like least, and scare him. The scent of fear on a child will truly attract the animal as fear smells delicious. The child you choose as your bait should be dressed in short sleeves for maximum exposure.

Number Two: Attack the Animals. OK, your animals are baited, and your children are shushed. Now, you have to have a trigger phrase: something that makes the children run ferociously at the animal en masse. We like to use “Last one to draw blood is a rotten egg!” It’s simple and effective. However, you must ensure the children hear you without the animal listening in. Don’t, under any circumstances, spook the animal, because then you’ll be left with a flock of angry and bloodlust-y kids. Gross.

Number One: Throw the Children. Now for the fun part! Once you send your children to attack the animals, you can bet that someone’s going to mess the whole thing up. It’s just what kids do best. In this grim scenario, you will be forced to quell the vicious animal with the blood of a child – most likely your firstborn. Pro tip: use twins if you have them. Twins will confuse the animals. Treat those kids like projectiles, and protect yourself! You deserve it after all of this hard work.

Well, now you have it! Depending on the animals you’re attacking, you will want to modify these instructions to fit your specific needs. For example, if you’re attacking a large jungle cat, try and take some of your neighbors’ hamsters or small dogs to use as additional bait. Sometimes, children just aren’t enough.